You resonate in the ever-changing me.

My original title for this entire blog was, “It was Jesus but she did not recognize him.” That came from a life-changing moment in my tiny room in Club Fitty when I was begging to hear the Lord’s voice. I didn’t know His voice, or so I thought. John 20:15 came to mind randomly, so not knowing what the verse said, I semi-skeptically looked it up. I was shocked. The title comes from the end of verse 14. He was telling me He was there with me, I just wasn’t recognizing His voice. That day I surely did.

I love that. I would venture to say that Jesus is always right with us, we just fail to recognize him. Maybe we’re not looking. Maybe we are and still can’t seem to find him. But I am 100% confident that when we seek Him, we will eventually find Him, our just and lovely Savior [Jeremiah 29:13, Matthew 7:7]. So don’t give up.

But now I really wanted to change things up on here. You might not care, but this is my little corner of cyberspace and I want to take care of it :) I’m changing the title because I find myself changing in so many ways. Maybe you don’t notice, or haven’t noticed, but I know. So the new title ....

You resonate in the ever-changing me.

Two reasons why:

1. I feel like I’m always changing, and I see it as a positive thing. I look back at the me in high school and wonder who that girl was. I look back at the me a year ago and wonder why any of my roommates liked me. I look back at the me three months ago and feel like I’ve grown ten-fold. I think it has something to do with grace. Okay I’m lying, I know it has everything to do with grace.

You see, there’s something in my personality that always yearns for more. Why would I ever stay the same when I know there is so much more I could be? There’s always something else to learn, to implement, to enjoy. I don’t know why this is, but I always want to be like this. I always want to yearn to know more about the God who created me and loves me and then show the world.

2. Resonate. Mmm, how I love that word. Webster’s definition of this word is to produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound. There is something so great about this to me. When something resonates with me, it touches my soul. Music can do this, love can do this, emotion can do this, truth can do this. The “You” in my title is Jehovah, the same God yesterday, today and forever. He resonates in the ever-changing me. He is the reason for change. Anything good in me is from Him. He resonates in me because He lives in me, and it is undeserved. Hallelujah.

Yahweh, Yahweh, great is Your glory, You go before me. Oh we sing, holy, holy, Your ways are lovely, so high above me. - Needtobreathe.

This feels right.

Somewhere in the land of cyberspace, my beautiful roommate Christine Kaufman has written a similar blog post. But since I cannot find said blog post, I wanted to write my own thoughts on a subject that has become a buzzword in our household and among friends. You can’t live without it; you must live by it. Without it, your actions seem wayward and meaningless. It’s an explanation for all your actions, or at least it should be. It can help you make major life decisions. It’s a life motto.

Now before you write life mottos off like some sort of new years resolution you never stick to, hear me out. We take these very seriously, as you will soon see. Here’s a taste of a few ....

I’ll start with my own, that only seems fair. If you know me, you may have heard me say this once or a thousand times. “If it feels right, do it.” This is a branch and tiny expansion of my response to the constant question, “Why’d you do that, Rae?” It felt right! Now this statement requires a strong moral compass and ethical values, neither of which I have. I’m kidding - sorta. This life motto is neither godly nor super inspiring. I could’ve chosen the golden rule, something about it being more blessed to give than receive, or live like you’re going to die tomorrow. Whatever. I like mine. I live by it, and it hasn’t failed me yet. Yet. Or has it?

“If you feel it, do it. / Do what you feel.” by the wonderful Katuschka Rakovec. It may seem slightly similar to mine at first glance, but this life motto fully captures who she is. If you feel something, do it. And do it like you feel it! Don’t hide. Don’t be fearful. Show your emotion. Do it big. Be passionate! If you need an example of how to do this, just watch her.

“Fake it till you make it.” by the great and brilliant Jonathan Janos. I really like this one. How many of us feel this way? Like we’re faking it all the time - we’re not that confident in what we’re doing. But if we can make people believe that we are, maybe, just maybe, we’ll make it. You may hate this one. I think it’s hilarious. Jonathan is on his way to Germany to serve us as an engineer in the army for the next three years. He has now made it, and I don’t know if there was actually much faking involved.

“You win some, you lose more.” by my favorite Paige in the whole world. She is now ready to kill me, because this isn’t her actual life motto. But you may hear her say it every once in a while as a joke. Her real life motto is, “For His glory and my joy.” Borrowed from John Piper, we’ve now moved into the more godly realm. She really does live her life this way, though, to the best of her ability. It’s inspiring to me every day.

“Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” by my best friend Mary Griffith. Also a borrowed quote, from the band-craze-for-a-good-reason Mumford and Sons, this one rings so true. She’s practicing that daily. We all are, really. If we invest our love in ourselves, we invest our lives in ourselves, which proves empty. If we invest our love in the Lord, we will reap what we sow. A lot of times that looks like investing our love in other people, that they might know the truth.

“Perspective is everything; God is good.” by the aforementioned Christine Kaufman. I love, love, love this one. Chew on that all day. Perspective is everything absolutely. Attitude can be a choice. And when you know and trust and believe that God is good, there is always beauty rising from the ashes. Always. God is always good, so life is never hopeless.

I cannot currently remember Katie Crosby’s because it’s long and inspiring and borrowed from a catechism maybe, but just know that it’s good. And godly. Like her. I’ll take this opportunity and say she’s a person I feel so privileged to have spent some time with so far this year.

Why do I only have girls’ life mottos on here besides Jonathan? Maybe I just haven’t asked the males I know. Or maybe they don’t buy into it as much. Mistake. You should think on your life motto. I always want to hear other people’s if they have one.

A few suggestions if you’re struggling for one -

“No pain, no gain.” Good for work-out nuts and discipline freaks.

“Hey, it’ll make a good story some day.” To be used with discretion.

“No risk, no reward.” For all you dreamers.

“Hakuna Matata.” Ohh, Timon, you are so wise.

“It’s better to be hated for who I really am, then loved for who I am not.” A-freakin-men.

Why did I write this silly blog post? Refer to the title. Works every time.

I Have a New Heart

I have a new heart. I know it. I know it because of what I just wrote in my journal -

‘I have died to the law so that I might live for God!’ I want to stop trying to follow the rules. Figuring out what’s wise. Figuring out what’s best. What’s best for me. What’s best for them. Blah blah blah. I want to live for God! All of those things are good, but I have so much trouble making decisions. I want to live for God. I want to please Him with every decision. My heart’s desire is to love Him and love people - the new heart that He has given me anyway.

I am so incredibly selfish in my flesh. I found myself trying to explain that to a friend the other day. I really am, more than most people I think. When I got the chance to love and help a woman in need a few weeks ago, I had to battle selfishness at every turn. Every time I chose to continue to love her, I knew it was only because of Jesus. I could rejoice at selflessness knowing, "This is what my Savior has done for me." And as I laid down on the couch that night, I found myself telling the Lord, "I'm putting all my eggs in Your basket! I am fully banking on that You are who You say You are, or this is foolish. Foolish because I'm putting all my natural selfishness aside."

My flesh's heart wants to do what's best for me. That looks like taking control of how I use my time - to make sure I get everything done the way I want it and look successful. But I'm beginning to give that up. I'm starting to see the beauty in process and taking things slow and doing what's best for other people. I haven't even come close to accomplishing it. But I have a new heart, and so I know that it's possible. And life is more beautiful that way. Giving my life away. Not living in fear. Being selfless. Letting go of everything I thought I knew and living for God.

This might sound like a radical transition. Maybe it is, or maybe it's not changing the 'what' but just the 'why.' In other words, maybe it's not changing everything I do, but the heart behind it. I want the heart behind why I do things to always be the new heart I have been given and not my natural, sinful one. Does that make sense?

Call me out on it if you think I'm not following through with what I say. Tell me if you think I'm making/not making decisions out of fear. Tell me how you think I can be freer. Iron truly does sharpen iron, right?

Make Him Known

Take a moment and read from me something I wrote on July 21, 2009. I was in Florence, Italy at the time:

I exist to know God and make Him known.

To love God and make known His love.

To enjoy God and make known His joy.

To praise God and make known his glory.

To trust God and make known his trustworthiness.

To listen to God and make known His voice.

To see God and make known His hands.

To wrestle with God and make known His infallibility.

To rest with God and make known His rest.

To go to Heaven with God and make known the path.

I love all of those, really, but tonight especially "wrestling with God and making known His infallibility" sticks out. Hallelujah to a God who is real and can stand against any test, any argument. I'm a natural doubter. Bummer. But His infallibility has shown through to me over and over again. And I'll probably question Him again tomorrow. But He loves me and is gracious enough to show Himself to me as I ask.

We exist for Him. And it's better than existing for ourselves. More painful in the short run, but much more grandiose in the long run. I love it.

A few things.

Three things I know for sure.

We, as a human race, are incredibly selfish.

We are also unattractively prideful.

And we are terribly, terribly insecure.

Three more things I know as fact.

We, as a human race, love fiercely. Unfortunately that love is usually directed towards ourselves.

We highly value safety. Highly.

We will protect our individual rights to the death. Shared life is negligible.

Yet three more things I know without a doubt.

There is hope to be free from the knowledge and facts above.

We were created to give our lives away.

Love and grace make this life beautiful.

Ohhh, McDonalds

So I went to McDonalds yesterday on a break during my eight hour cleaning day. As I was pulling into a parking spot at approx 3 PM, I began to think. "Oh gosh, I haven't really spent time with the Lord today. Dang. I feel bad. He's upset." But then I realized - I've been working hard all day and I'm really excited to sit for over an hour and spend time with Him. And that's when it hit me ... He is right here, ready to give me peace, rest and joy in His presence. He is pleased that I am working hard and trying to give love and grace to people. And He is here - in humility and grace and love and majesty - ready to receive me. And I tear'ed up in thankfulness for His love and grace to me. How beautiful He is. And I saw His beauty all around me in McDonalds. Two girls happily spending time with a third that had down syndrome. An elderly husband and wife sharing fast food together. A grandmother telling an animated story to her grandson. How beautiful grace and mercy overflowing from love is. It is possible in this life because He showed them first.

And if God doesn't live in Colorado

Since it's been so long since I've blogged, I feel intimidated by writing an entry. I want to write something inspiring or incredibly life-changing that's happened to me over the last few months. Everything I'm learning these days is so personal it's hard to write about. So I'll try to write a little blurb about my time in Colorado, then be more consistent in writing as I'm learning over the next few months ....

My summer began on an epic two week road trip with three of my best friends. We made a circle around the country - 8,000 miles in 15 days. Two things I took away: This country is beautiful (especially the West) and so are my friends. I adore them.

Then in St. Louis, I hopped in the car with Beka and Thiel and turned back to the West towards Colorado. We arrived May 24th. In exactly my style, I did not mentally prepare for the summer on the Ranch (www.vistaverde.com) nor really have any idea what I was getting into. It started with a two week orientation with our fifty staff - learning my specific job (housekeeping!), learning how to run a hospitality business, and becoming best friends with the other staff. I was riding horses, mountain biking, hiking and eating gourmet food in my off-time. And I am pretty sure that outside of the Amazon Jungle, this was the most beautiful place I have ever been. God is so stinkin' creative.

I learned a LOT about hard work this summer. We worked 9-hour days on average, 6 days a week. Not just physical labor, but the job of entertaining, too. Our off days were not Sundays - that was our busiest day, turning over the ranch for the next guests. It made me realize (surprise, surprise) that if you really want to be good at something, you have to work hard at it. There are no shortcuts that lead to perfection, and that's what our job was all about. It made me realize I want to become an expert at something. That takes hard work, like possibly grad school, but I'm now ready to work for it. I don't want to just be average. And not just so I can boast at how good I am at a skill, but so I can gain credibility among men/women to speak into their lives and actually help them. If that means becoming an expert agriculturalist so I can go to third-world countries and help them develop skills and teach them about God, I will. If that means becoming an expert counselor, researching and studying and helping people become whole so that they can see Jesus, I will. There's a lot to be learned from hard, blue-collar work every day. Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes, once said, "I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life." Mine was more like chemical stains on my bruised knees, but I still learned the lesson.

I spent the summer with four amazing women. We laughed together, we ate together, we got angry together, we cried together, we studied the Bible together, we danced together, and we sang together. I learned so much from each one of them. One of them taught me that literally everything can be funny. One taught me about being passionate. One taught me how to be goofy and wise at the same time. One taught me about really giving to other people. It was yet another reminder that community is what makes life possible. I could not have survived the summer literally or spiritually without them. And we were all so different. I love that! We learned lessons together about following leadership that is sometimes difficult. I think I learned about loving an enemy, really, for the first time this summer. I won't write too much about it here, but I'm always willing to share personally.

You should go work on a ranch. It may be the hardest thing you ever do. It may be the most fun and adventurous, too. I adored it. And now, I'm back in Athens - a city I will love forever. I'll write more about that soon.

Rach